How to Grab Admissions People About the Environment!

Indonesian forest fires send haze billowing across Southeast Asia yearly. Photo credit: South China Morning Post

Why should I care? When I am reading your Personal Statement or supplemental essay you must keep me hooked for 400+ words. My Cardinal Rule is: you must grab me. The second you start preaching to me, boring me, or talking down to me from your soapbox or with your megaphone I am no longer listening. I want to see that you experienced something real and then flew into action (and have tangible results to show for it afterwards!)

Effective writing makes experiences and statements personal. That seems obvious, right? But so many people forget it.

I was living in Singapore in 2013 when I first experienced haze caused by forest fires in Indonesia. It happened for the next 7 years that I was there. More and more students wanted to found NGOs or Initiatives that would combat the greater issues around environmental crises and then write about them in their essays. Here was my rough cut first draft:

"Wrapped like a mummy - eyes burning, no visibility two feet in front of me, offices and schools closed for weeks - I walked to work. I was tired of working from home, tired of being afraid of the noxious haze swirling outside my windows. I had to get out and do something. The Smog Index which was normally under 50 was over 900 and lethal; all this chaos and disruption caused by outdated farming practices banned by other nations around the world. As monsoon season arrived so did the winds carrying the worst of it to our little island. Across Sumatra and other parts of Indonesia this was business as usual and considered by many to be necessary to create more farmland. What about my lungs, I thought, as I coughed my way across a road, nearly getting swiped by a taxi who did not see me. What about Modernity?

Singapore - a resplendent city of skyscrapers, pristine streets, and brilliant lights was shrouded in grey muck- so much so that even during the day the sun in its vastness was barely discernible. In the news they spoke of unlawfulness and the international implications of releasing fossil fuels into rich air. But I hated the haze as much as the pomposity, because it seemed that wealthy nations were just trying to limit the economic prosperity and potential of nations on the rise. Indonesian farmers grow us coffee and chocolate - they are not lawless dinosaurs, they have methodology and experience.

This one environmental crisis became the kernel of a socio-economic morality matter that consumed me; I founded.....(my NGO/research collaboration/government initiative/social engagement project/etc)....and I have raised ..... (significant money and awareness).... I turned this experience into an effective call to action because we need farmers the world over, and they need a decent wage. Leaving ancient forests as pristine as our city streets is how we will all be able to breathe easier together. My plan in university is to take what I learned from building my NGO (which was hailed by ....(magazine/newspaper)...and expand it in these ways to create an impactful future....The fire is no longer burning brighter than the sun, and I have shaken off the mummy to become a maven."

Singapore during the day in 2013. Photo Credit: Asia Society

Final tip:

Let your individual micro moments speak powerfully to macro situations on the global stage. And do not ask AI to help you do it!